Domestic Violence

  • What is Domestic Violence?

    Domestic violence is a range of behaviors used to exert control or establish power by one intimate partner over the other. The range of behaviors can include psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, spiritual, and physical abuse, as well as stalking and threatening behaviors.

    Abuse and violence are learned behaviors and as such, can be unlearned. People who are abusive are responsible for their behavior and should be held accountable for their actions by the legal and judicial systems, media, friends, family, co-workers and communities.

    A few of the most common ways abusers control victims:

    • Isolation
    • Emotional abuse
    • Using children
    • Dominating finances and family resources
    • Physical and sexual assault

  • Forms of Abuse

    Verbal Abuse - Making you feel bad about yourself. Saying you caused the abuse. Yelling, screaming, name-calling, put-downs, cussing, threats to harm you, children, pets or another person. Threats to spread rumors, gossip, post your personal information or pictures on the internet or in email or texting. Threats to take children, to commit suicide, using sarcasm, putting you partner down for your religious believes or ethnic background. Verbal abuse can take place in person, over the phone, in letters, through email, texting or other means.

    Emotional Abuse - Manipulation, denial, withdrawal, control, extreme jealousy and possessiveness, blaming the abuse on you, humiliation, making you think that you are crazy, FEAR, guilt trips. Threaten to out you, insults or belittles your sexual orientation, threaten to revel your HIV status.

    Physical Abuse - Pushing, shoving, hitting, slapping, choking, hair-pulling, punching, grabbing, kicking, biting, shaking, burning, using a weapon against you (i.e., knives, guns, heavy objects...), threatening to harm you, murder.

    Sexual Abuse - Forcing or threatening you to perform sexual acts you don't want to do or that cause pain or humiliation; rape; physically attacking the sexual parts of your body, forcing you to have sex with others. Getting you drunk or using drugs to get sex.

    Intimidation - Using force, throwing objects, punching a hole in a wall, making threats to harm, threaten to leave, commit suicide or report you to the police, destroying property, making you do illegal things, threatening to hurt family, friends, children and pets, smashing things, displaying or handling of guns or other weapons, intimidating body language (angry looks, raised voice), hostile questioning, reckless driving, stalking.

    Isolation - Controlling what you do, who you see and talk to, where you go; keeping you from making friends, talking to family, having a job, having any money, etc. Using their jealousy to justify their actions, possessive of your time.

    Denial of Rights - Not allowing you to have any privacy, locking you up in a room, tying you to a chair, forcing you to go without food or water, not allowing you to bathe, hiding necessary medication.

    Economic Abuse - Stealing your money, forcing you to give up your money, controlling how all of the money is spent, making you steal, only allowing you to have a small allowance, making you work, not letting you work, making you show receipts for everything you buy, keeping track of the mileage in the car.

  • What Are the Warning Signs of Domestic Violence?

    The following is a list of early warning signs that someone may be abusive. This list was put together by survivors of domestic violence who reflected on the early phases of the battering relationship and identified some of the early warning signs of abusers.

    Somone who:

    • Wants to move too quickly into the relationship.
    • Does not honor your boundaries.
    • Is excessively jealous and falsely accuses you of cheating.
    • Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails and texts you throughout the day.
    • Criticizes you or puts you down; most commonly tells you that you are "crazy," "stupid" and/or "fat," or that no one would ever want or love you.
    • Says one thing and does another.
    • Takes no responsibility for their behavior and blames others.
    • Has a history of battering.
    • Blames the entire failure of previous relationships on their partner; for example, "My ex was a total bitch."
    • Grew up in an abusive or violent home.
    • Insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family.
    • Seems "too good to be true."
    • Insists that you stop participating in leisure interests.
    • Rages out of control and is impulsive.

    Pay attention to the “red flags “and trust your instincts. Survivors of domestic violence frequently report that their instincts told them that there was something wrong early on but they disregarded the warning signs and didn’t know that these signs were indicative of an abusive relationship. Always take time to get to know a potential partner and watch for patterns of behavior in a variety of settings. Keeping in touch with your support system and participating in good self-care can lower your risk of being involved in an abusive relationship.

  • Who are Victims?

    Anybody can be a victim — rich or poor, any race, age, or religion. High school drop-out or Ph.D. Studies have shown no characteristic link between personality type and being a victim. If you are worried about yourself or a loved one, help is available.

  • Who are Abusive Partners?

    Like victims, domestic violence abusive partners come from all backgrounds. However, abusers do share some characteristics in that they tend to justify their abusive behaviors, fail to take responsibility for the abuse and use similar tactics to gain and maintain power and control over their partners.

    Abusers typically present a different personality outside of their relationship than they do to their intimate partner, which complicates victims' ability to describe their experience and seek assistance.

    Domestic violence is still overwhelmingly a problem of male violence against women. Here are a few statistics that may clarify the issue. These are a compilation of stats from Bureau of Justice Statistics, National Institute of Justice and the Centers for Disease Control.

    • Women compose 84% of spouse abuse victims and 86% of victims abused by a boyfriend or girlfriend.
    • Nearly 75% of murder victims killed by an intimate partner are women.
    • While the number of male victims killed by an intimate partner fell an average of 4% per year from 1976-1998, the number of female victims fell only by an average of 1% per year.